Steve said something that got me thinking. . . .
One time not too long ago, I was home visiting my parents, sitting on the couch in the back living room. I was flipping through a magazine when Mom came in and turned on the television. About three channels in, she stopped on Seinfeld. Kramer was sliding into Jerry’s apartment, saying something crazy. Mom chuckled.
I shot an eye in her direction, but tried to stay nonchalant.
“What’s this?” she asked.
I hesitated. I knew I couldn’t lie. For some reason, my parents regard me as their very own pop culture dictionary. She knew I knew; Dad would’ve put money on it.
“Seinfeld,” I answered.
“Have I seen it?”
(Mom has a tendency to forget what she’s seen and hasn’t seen. This comes in handy any time Dad brings home a DVD from Blockbuster.)
“Oh, probably not, but I’m sure you’ve heard about it,” I said causally.
“So what’s it about? Who are these people? Just four friends?”
“Yeah, four single friends who live in New York. Basically, it’s about nothing. Just a comedian’s observations about little, everyday things,” I answered.
“Looks funny.”
Just tell the truth, I thought. “It is. But you probably wouldn’t like it. Things get a little if-y sometimes.”
After that conversation, I’m sure my mom forgot all about Seinfeld. But should she ever happen to catch Jerry being the master of his domain or future Luke Danes’ sponge-worthy plea with Elaine and shortly thereafter come to our apartment and see 9 seasons worth of the same show on our shelf . . . .
Well, it wouldn’t be good.
But let’s say I’m over at her house, where I sit down beside her and pick up the remote, only to intentionally land on Grey’s Anatomy (which, by the way, I don’t actually watch).
In that scenario, Mom would say, “Ooo, Dr. Smoopsy is finally going on a date with Dr. Wowzer! They’ve been secretly in love all season. Now this girl, she’s not going to be happy about it because she’s had her eye on Dr. Wowzer all season too. The trouble is, Dr. Wowzer’s got a conflict of interest because he operated on her son, whose kidney sack had a small tear in it last season. . . .”
It wouldn’t matter if unmarried Dr. Smoopsy and Dr. Wowzer end their date naked on Smoopsy’s kitchen table, Mom’s tuning in next week.
Dad won’t watch, but just because he’s worried somebody’s going to get cut open on the operating table and he’s going to have to watch.
But Grey’s is just one example out of many.
So is Seinfeld. We could’ve had the same conversation (almost) about Arrested Development or The Office or even Friends.
I grew up forbidden to bring all R-rated movies and most PG-13 movies into the house. Once I started staying up later than my parents, an index card with Phil. 4:8 appeared, taped to the bottom left-hand corner of the TV. (And you know they mean business when there’s scotch tape on the TV screen. My dad wrapped the remotes in sandwich bags for fear that we might get crumbs in between the buttons!) Even in college, they wouldn’t tell me not to go to a movie, but on my way out the door, they’d say, “Remember it’s up to you to determine if your relationship with God can handle what you’re watching.”
I didn’t put too much thought into it back then. It made sense with the rules that kept me from wearing shorts that weren’t kissing the koolat line and from talking on the phone more than 30 minutes at a time (1 hour a day) because doing so would inevitably result in becoming an adult who’s so used to “hanging on the phone” that she ends up talking long-distance for hours at a time, which results in late bill payments, bad credit, and eventually home foreclosure.
In recent history, though, I’ve started thinking about the discrepancy. Since both my sister and I have “made it into the clear,” things have loosened up around the old house. Dad even eats snacks in the travel car and lets the remotes go naked! I have a sneaking suspicion they eat in front of the TV too. But one thing hasn’t changed:
They’ve got the same rules for movies and television.
It’s taken me some time to nail them down exactly, but I think I’ve finally figured it out. Keep in mind that these rules only apply to media that you watch. Violence, profanity, and sexual content in books and music are strictly prohibited.
Rule #1: The only kind of profanity that’s not too much profanity is the kind that runs the “dang, darn, heck, oh fudge!” gamut. Whenever possible, those should be avoided as well.
They take all profanity seriously. They’ve even got a DVD player that edits it out. Whenever they come over now, they’ll ask what movies we’ve got. Dad’ll hear one he’s interested in and say, “Oh, we haven’t seen that one! But, nah, you don’t have The Guardian; your mamma and I don’t need to listen to that kind of language.”
But taking the Lord’s name in vain takes the cake.
For example, I went to see Twister with my parents in high school. I sat in the middle and throughout the entire movie, they leaned across me every five minutes saying, “I think Helen Hunt thinks Jesus is actually in this movie. . . . Do you want to leave? . . . . We don’t have to stay. . . . If she does it again within the next 5 minutes, we’re leaving.”
Rule # 2: The only kind of extra-marital sex that’s okay is the kind that’s not humorous. You might be tempted to think that’s because in a serious situation, the couple might have to bear the negative ramifications of their decisions. If that happens, it’s just a bonus. I used to think this was only true of movies, because in a movie it’s easy to fast-foward through a serious, steamy sex scene, but you can’t fast-foward every sleazy joke in something like Austin Powers (which my dad would actually probably like). But having to fast-forward too often doesn’t phase them one bit.
Like the time we watched Red Dragon and Dad skipped every scene with Ralph Fiennes because he had a foul mouth in Schindler’s List. My argument, “He was a Nazi! In a movie! He’s not a real Nazi! And he’s not a Nazi in this movie! He’s a serial killer, the kind who doesn’t cuss for the principle of the matter,” got me nowhere. At the end of the movie, Dad said, “That was okay, but I’m not really sure what happened.”
(Have you seen Red Dragon? Dad didn’t fast-foward through a single scene with Ed Norton. Ed f’ing Norton.)
They’ll also fast-foward even through a made-for-TV movie without a single profane word in it, just because they prefer one actor over all the others. For instance, they selected a free On Demand movie with Patrick Stewart on our TV not long ago, a movie they’d never seen. Nonetheless, they fast-fowarded through every scene without Capt. Jean-Luc Picard.
Need more proof? They LOVE Tombstone, but they love Doc Holliday more. They’ve been known to say on multiple occasions, “Well, let’s just watch all the Doc Holliday scenes in Tombstone tonight.”
And then they do, with you.
You see, they don’t have to understand a movie to enjoy it. Or at least my dad doesn’t. For example, we watched Michael Clayton this weekend. Afterwards, I told Chris that my parents would probably really like it, so long as they watched it on the Guardian.
“You think? I would guess they’d be lost,” he said.
He wasn’t taking a cheap shot at my parents either. He’s just watched enough movies with them to know that Dad asks Mom what’s going on and who’s who all the way through a movie, even a mystery in which those things haven’t yet been revealed. Mom might be reading a book while she’s watching, but she always knows. She doesn’t mind his questions one bit. And she can manage to piece together any movie he wants to fast-forward through for whatever reason. They’re perfect for each other — he likes asking questions and she likes explaining things.
Rule #3: Anything else goes!
Now, I’m not saying I don’t respect these rules. I do. I even understand some of the reasoning. For one thing, Dad listens to his coworkers cuss all day, so he doesn’t want to hear it at home. That makes sense to me. And I can see the idea that somehow comedy makes light of promiscuity in such a way that you might be able to believe it’s making a more outright endorsement of that kind of behavior.
But still. It’s kind of a phenomenon to me. I don’t think it’s hypocritical or anything. Just kind of humorous.
So the next time you’re faced with a TV or movie decision and need a little help, just think What Would Katy’s Parents Do?
“Cut-off your head and put it in a bowling bag” 24?
Yeah, we’ll watch that with fervor.
“Don’t drop the soap in the shower” Prison Break?
Bring it on.
“One-night stand” Double O 7?
Love him every time.
“Sideways naked” Brad Pitt in Troy?
A treat for the eyes.
Any R-rated violent movie on The Guardian?
We’re on it.
Seinfeld?
Not a chance.
Arrested Development?
Not likely.
The 40-Year-Old Virgin?
Get real.
The Departed in the theater?
If we get tricked into going, we’ll be leaving in a hurry.
Any PG-13 or R-rated Universal movie, the one “brand” that doesn’t work with The Guardian?
We’ll tape it when it comes on TV.
***
17 Comments
February 27, 2008 at 7:57 pm
Pretty fascinating observations.
February 27, 2008 at 9:45 pm
Nice post once again.
I gotta say I really enjoy reading your posts, keep up the good work!
February 28, 2008 at 7:44 am
Jean f’ing Luc f’ing Picard.
February 28, 2008 at 9:25 am
Katy, there’s really too much here to comment on in just a single shot, but I’ll try:
1. Your inference that talking on the phone too long would eventually lead to an adult that would have their home foreclosed made me literally throw my head back and cackle at the ceiling.
2. My parents had semi-similar rules. We weren’t allowed to say, as I quote my mother, “butt, sucks, crap, faggot, or shut up.” This, of course, led to numerous discussions of the “the five forbidden words.” My dad, meanwhile, was a plumber by trade and taught my brother and I how to load the dishwasher by saying, “Don’t ever do a half-ass job.” To him, this was not cursing. This was just an adjective. All of my friends laughed about the forbidden five but understood the rules. But they would still try to create sentences with all five words just to shock my mother. Again, my dad was a cusser, plain and simple. How we were supposed to rectify those differences? Beyond me.
3. I watched “Beverly Hills Cop” at the age of 10. Are you kidding me?
4. I think the small tear in the kidney sac scenario is clearly a reference to Jack’s surgery on Ben from Lost. Even if it was subconscious.
5. Have you ever been to a Pat Green concert? If so, then you know what I thought as soon as you said, “Ed f’ing Norton.” And then thought again as soon as Walt wrote, “Jean f’ing Luc f’ing Picard.”
6. I want to meet your parents again.
February 28, 2008 at 1:16 pm
Everyone — I’d like to add two resources my parents would love:
The No Cussing Club (I just found this one.)
Kids-in-mind (They showed me this one a long time ago. They use it for themselves, not their kids).
Lex — I think I’ve been fascinated most of my life.
“Watch Family Guy” guy — If you really meant it, then thanks! I’m glad you’re enjoying them and hope you keep reading! If you just want everyone to watch Family Guy, that’s fine too, as it’s a good example of something else my parents wouldn’t like. Actually, if you cut out the sexual innuendo, my dad would probably like Family Guy. He loves All in the Family, which for its day, made a lot of the same statements with Archie as Family Guy makes with Peter. Brian would crack Dad up too. Mom, however, would abhor it. She can’t stand All in the Family either.
Walt — Even though my parents prefer things to stay clean, I’m almost positive Jean f’ing Luc f’ing Picard, Sean f’ing Connery, Sam f’ing Elliott, and Magnum f’ing PI could get a free pass anytime they want. Mom has a thing for baldness and/or mega mustaches, I guess. (Of course, she loves Sean for his James Bond days and his voice today. Wait, she loves him as Indiana Jones Sr. too. She just f’ing loves him.) Thank goodness my dad doesn’t have any hair!
Steve —
1. Glad I could give you a good laugh!
2. That’s hilarious! One time I heard my dad say, “Fudge!” He got in trouble from Mom, and I’ve never heard him say anything remotely in the cursing family again. My grandmom, on the other hand . . . I’ve caught her cursing under her breath many a time!
My mom was opposed to all those words too! I got my mouth washed out for “shut-up” when I was really little. I said “butt” in the church sanctuary before the service began once, and she told me I’d “grieved the Holy Spirit.” In high school, I got in big trouble for telling my sister to “sit on it.” (“We don’t do everything the Fonz does!!!”) In college, I said something was “screwed up” and she informed me that I wouldn’t say that if I knew what it really meant. Another time, we were arguing about something and I said, “Dang it!” Oh, that was bad.
3. Conflicting messages indeed!
4. You’re probably right! I’m officially brainwashed. Mom and Dad love Lost too, by the way (even though Dad is usually lost himself). And Mom, who’s in charge of the prayer chain at their church, loves to give you ridiculously detailed medical reports on everyone. I don’t even know how she knows the words she uses. Probably from watching Grey’s and House.
5. I have! It’s pretty funny to think about Jean-Luc Picard getting the same reception as Pat Green. I’ve also seen Pat Green at an HSU hosted event, where he edited the beer out of his cereal.
6. They’d love you. My mom could talk to you for hours, no doubt.
February 28, 2008 at 1:49 pm
You’ve gotta love them, old RudeE and the Duke.
Steve, we had the same “five forbidden words” plus a few like “fart”, “freakin” or any other slang terms. In fact, we’re still not allowed to say any of those words! The exceptions came only when my dad deemed someone his “farting friend” (lucky them) or when mom was very, very angry with us and rarely said, “I’m going to tear your butt up.” (Which by the way, she never actually did. I can only remember being spanked twice in my life, and everything is still in tact). Other than that, she used the word “heiney” (I don’t really know how to even spell that word) and thought we should do the same. Can you imagine the ridicule we might have faced in Jr. High saying “heiney”?!
Once I was on the phone with Mom. She started cracking up at something that Dad was watching on the TV. When I asked about it, she said, “Your dad is watching a show where this van looks like a giant dog. They are getting gas, and the van/dog’s leg is hiked up at the gas tank!” You have to know that she refused to watch “Dumb and Dumber” at our house just a few weeks prior to this!
All in all, I think we turned out to be good citizens, in part, because of the morals they instilled in us. Who knew it was the INTERNET they had to be worried about, not the phone?
February 28, 2008 at 2:12 pm
i absolutely loved reading this post…and I think Dr. Smoopsey is hott!
February 28, 2008 at 2:31 pm
More on this to come, but Nanny is an expert cusser, opting for the slang term of human excrement as her word of choice. The story goes that last week one of the nurse aides told her they needed to treat a rash on her backside and she told them she didn’t want to lift up her dress. When they insisted, she let loose with an, “Oh, $%!#!”
I love my family.
February 29, 2008 at 2:43 pm
[...] Yeah, Steve, Mom doesn’t like “suckers” [...]
February 29, 2008 at 3:13 pm
JSmo — Glad this post could bring you a good laugh!
Don’t forget to emphasize the way that infamous threat was said:
“I’m going to * te-ar * your * hiney * up!” said through tightly pursed lips, with pauses between each of the last four words, and an index finger pointed at you, moving with the beat.
And, remember, Dad showed favor to Chris by deeming him a farting friend on his first visit to their house. Since then, Mom’s had to endure “fart” more often, as Dad really loves to quote the Johnson girls: “Have you heard my fart machine?”
I can’t believe we haven’t gotten Dad Dumb and Dumber yet! It’s not Universal. It should be on his list!
Yeah, we turned out pretty well, but you might be a better citizen than I am. Then again, you followed the rules better than I did too.
How could they have anticipated the Internet? It was just gaining mainstream popularity when I was in high school! But at least our Internet bill is the same every month, regardless of how much time we spend on it. Otherwise, foreclosure might be a very real risk between Chris and me!
Kevin — Hey!! Thanks! I’m glad you enjoyed it! Who doesn’t love The Smoop? Whew!
Steve — I think I love them too! And I’m looking forward to reading about Nanny!
February 29, 2008 at 6:06 pm
I don’t know where to begin. Your patience is Herculean. You’ve basically just provided a top 10 list of things that would drive me right over the edge. The thought of actually finding myself in those situations actually caused my chest to tighten.
February 29, 2008 at 6:13 pm
Farky — So I should rethink inviting you to Movie Night with My Parents, eh?
Believe me. I wasn’t so Herculean when I was between the ages of 13 and 18 and enjoying these quirks on a daily basis.
March 1, 2008 at 2:43 pm
No, I don’t think movie night with your parents would be good for anyone. I prefer complete silence and especially no discussion of possible ways a movie might end. I once went with a friend and his girlfriend to a movie, midway through her second explanation of how she had “figured it out”, I cut her off and said, “Look, why don’t we just wait and talk about this when the movie’s over?” Did I mention I used to be friends with them?
March 1, 2008 at 2:50 pm
Oh, and on the cussing front. In many circles, I am a notorious non-cusser. This was especially true in college. Yet, any extended break spent at home during that time was sure to be punctuated with my mother’s continued reminders that,”Jason, we’re not in the dorm anymore.” Did I mentioned this usually followed me saying the word ’sucks’ and the occasional ‘freak’?
Then during this last Christmas, I was riding with my fam and someone severely cut us off. I responded with my somewhat customary, “Thanks a lot, jack ass.” My mother’s titters from the back seat were incontrollable.
March 2, 2008 at 10:26 pm
Oh so funny… glad my parent’s aren’t the only one’s that do stuff like this!
Here’s how it would go in our house:
Dad comes home and Michele and I are watching something on TV. It’s ALWAYS inevitably the point in the show in which the child/teenage character did something questionable (alcohol, sneaking out, etc). From then on the show is banned. Forget that the show was probably actually trying to teach kids why NOT to do those things! My best example of this is Charles in Charge… couldn’t watch it!
My parents have definitely loosened up too… though they would also never see 40 year old Virgin! :)
March 3, 2008 at 2:31 pm
Farky — In theater speculation is the worst!! Ugh! So long as the language is clean, my parents aren’t as bad in theater seats as they are in their recliners. Still, you’d better not risk it.
And my mom wouldn’t have just been tittering in your car. She’d have prayed for you, out loud. And she would’ve been holding on to the arm rest in complete panic. She’s a nervous passenger.
Jules — That sounds a lot like our house too! Except my sister had more swaying power. For instance, Full House was briefly forbidden because Uncle Jesse is in a rock band and Stephanie danced in a “rocky” jazz recital. The ban was lifted when my sister assured her that those were isolated incidents.
March 6, 2008 at 8:42 pm
[...] first time I saw Good Will Hunting I was a jr. or sr. in high school, and if you’ve read this post, you know I wasn’t at my house. I was at my friend Jacob’s, whose parents had moved, [...]